Christina Palmer: Doing ‘the difficult work’

It became apparent early on that this community was hurting and that lack of trust was an issue. As I began my work, I felt it was important to provide an additional tool to address the harm. Restorative Justice circle work is such a tool. In the spring of 2018 more than 80 of our faculty and staff participated in several two-day trainings from Suffolk University’s Center for Restorative Justice. It was an opportunity to learn an alternative way to have difficult conversations and take action and/or shift a mindset so people could feel heard. Some faculty introduced restorative justice in their work within dorms, advisory sessions and classrooms. It is now an integral part of the foundation in our Community Conduct program, and it has been adopted into our work with alumni who have been harmed.

Circle training plays to many of the principles that Exeter lives by. It enhances our ability to talk and to listen — respecting differences, valuing community, sitting with hard discussions, and holding each other with care. Respecting each other’s story. It makes the whole community that much stronger.

It has been exciting to hear from some faculty and staff about their use of this tool, and I hope we are able to continue to expand its use, especially with students and with the many new initiatives we are taking on.

The importance of building trust is paramount in this work: trust in the preventative work, trust within the reporting protocol, trust with adults, students and parents, and trust with alumni. Our work must be seen and felt as genuine and coming from a place of sincere care and safety for our students and our community. Building trust with alumni, most especially those harmed and who find the courage to report long after they have left campus, is the hardest, and understandably so.

This work we have been doing is important, sensitive, varied and goes at its own pace. It’s emotional and delicate. Trauma always has a presence at many different levels, even, sadly, when addressing it to support someone harmed.

What type of programming are you creating?

Just before the pandemic, we brought in “Now That We’re Men,” a play by Katie Cappiello, exploring sexuality and gender from the perspective of five high school boys. The play featured high school-aged performers from New York; it examined the culture that influences toxic masculinity. The play was required viewing for the entire Exeter community. I believe students related to the fact that the performers were teens. It was uncomfortable at times and also relatable for students regarding the scenarios that they shared. It offered an opportunity for students and faculty to learn and explore these topics together. Discussion guides were provided after the program to help facilitate smaller group discussions with students.

I create all-school events and activities with messaging that mirrors the curriculum. In the past year,  I’ve brought in guest speakers like former gymnast, lawyer and activist Rachael Denhollander, who talked about her own experience with sexual assault and being the first gymnast to speak out against Larry Nassar, and Mike Domitrz, founder of the Center for Respect, who spoke to students about consent, healthy relationships and sexual misconduct.

What’s been your biggest challenge?

Building trust in the work that Exeter is doing on sexual misconduct. That’s hard when it’s a topic that’s emotional, uncomfortable, and can be explosive when you don’t know everyone’s story. Yet, it’s important that we ensure students understand healthy and unhealthy sexual behavior. Whether we are supporting someone reporting an incident or someone participating in a program, we must be sensitive to not cause additional harm and always provide compassion and care.

The most challenging part of my job has been working with alumni who’ve been harmed. There’s so much that happens between the harm (trauma), their relationship with the school and understandably the loss of trust. I hope that they can see what’s happening now on campus — that the work is coming from a place of care and wanting to do the right thing. I wish that, as students, they had access to the practices/protocols we have in place now. There are times I reach out and, more often than not, people appreciate it. Yet there is trauma, and it’s heartbreaking.

What have been your biggest successes?

The community allowing me to do this important work. I’m proud of working with faculty on Exeter’s affirmative consent policy, collaborating with the Health and Human Development Department on our student sexual assault prevention curriculum, currently listed on Exeter’s website. I’m also proud of the work we’ve done about reporting protocol, and the many trainings, speakers and programs that have come on campus to engage students.

I love working alongside the student club EASA (Exonians Against Sexual Assault), as they are an important facet to building trust with the student body. Their input and engagement is invaluable to ensuring this work connects with their peers. Exeter’s faculty and staff really have shown their commitment to this work by getting behind the programming I bring to the student body. I appreciate it greatly. It’s also important for me to support the adults on campus in that effort and ensure that they’re mindful of their positions of power and their duty to help students feel safe on campus.

I’m excited about the community beginning to use a common language regarding sexual misconduct. It recognizes that the work we do is trauma-informed and that students are listening and learning about the nuances of healthy and unhealthy sexual behavior.

What are your future goals?

I try to stay on the cutting edge of what is happening so I can bring it to campus.

We have launched a new Instagram account, developed with my University of New Hampshire intern, as another way to reach out to students. Called An Ounce of Prevention, it focuses on what is happening on campus and provides resources. We held our first “Take Back the Night” event, which created awareness about sexual violence, showed support for those harmed, and communicated that everyone has the right to feel safe on campus. Most importantly this event provided an opportunity for students to be heard. I am also planning to partner with the University of New Hampshire’s Sexual Harassment and Rape Prevention Program (SHARPP) to develop and offer a college-level institute to Exeter students who are interested in being mentors around sexual misconduct when they become students on a college campus. Next year’s planning is under way with the focus on continuing to engage students in conversations about healthy relationships, hook-up culture and sexual violence.

This spring, we will enhance our healthy relationship curriculum for students with a pilot presentation/training on boundaries between adults and students similar to what we offered to faculty in the fall. It will be reviewed with our proctors and Student Listeners, as well EASA. Areas of focus include understanding boundary crossings, boundary violations, predatory grooming and resources for students. We will also look to provide a parent component to this in the fall.

I don’t know anyone else who has my position at a public or private school, which can be exciting and stressful as I approach the work, so I am grateful to be surrounded and supported by amazing people here at Exeter.

— Debbie Kane